3.21.24
Ahh, it's been a little bit, again? Well, I guess since almost a year ago, it's been a lot. I think I've acomplished a lot it some ways, but also been spinning my wheels a lot. Blah blah thats the same as always, who caaares. Well. I'll complain about my job a bit. My hours got cut. Everyone's did. But I litterally turned down a very nice job offer back in december to stay with the place now, because they said they could offer me enough hours to survive, and (at the time) i'd have rather stayed with them. Only for after christmas and a managment change for the Old Man owner to be like, "lol were cutting you down to 13 hours a week". Well, i've felt pretty bitter and betrayed after this. I want a different or aditional job, but the process is really aggrivating, and I'm just sick of it. I wish i'd have had zero kindess or loyalty and just taken the job that was offered to me. I should always remember that in the future.

dont. trust. the word. of bosses. EVER.

Well. I've been trying to do more art and stuff. I have been, but it is -marketable- art. well. marketable is a realative trait. It's designs that i think people without context to all of the deeply obscure thing that inspire me to actually draw might like. Idk. I made of Kofi. If you, rando reading this want to buy stickers, or whatever, it's there now. https://ko-fi.com/yarndragon/shop
btw. I did get confirmed as an ADHD haver. makes sense. it took a bit but i got them good amphet salts. They do, in fact, work pretty fucking good. I do kind have to self regulate to get them to be the most effective. but uhh, I have been like 75% more effective with them. meds for anyone who wants them for what ever reason 4ever.
ahhh, i miss being able to afford fin du mon....

currently eating: Voodoo Ranger Juice Force IPA

4.2.23
Hrrmm... How has so little happened since a month ago but also I feel like I've been disgustingly busy... That's what working full time is like I guess. The shop is ok. I feel like i tend to get really anxious working there, it could be an overload of crystal vibrations, it could be that lots of people who come there are the sorts that I don't know how to deal with, it could be my customary period of thinking that everyone new I meet probably hates me and I'm committing terrible social faux pauxs without realizing. It could also be all the random drama and shit. At least I get paid pretty well. It's horrible to work surrounded by so much temptation though. I sure do love rocks.

I still feel creativly stuck, and I guess I should maybe write about that. I don't know it might be too depressing. So I'm sorry for that.
For a lot of my life I think that I've considered my ability to think of and about cool stories and good characters to be like... My singular redeeming quality. I guess also that I can make good stews and soups is the other big one. I've never really thought of myself as someone who is actually very nice or fun to be around. I think i'm mostly annoying and terrible at actually helping anyone, and I have a bad track record with being able to be emotionally close with people and actually keep friends. For most of my life no matter how down I felt about myself, I could just think about my stories and it would both take my mind off things and make me feel like I had some kind of purpose and ambition. I supose I knew even then that this was probably not the most sustainable way of looking at those stories. Well. Now I find myself with no new ideas, and no drive to poke at established ideas. This is not really a feeling I've had to deal with for as long a time as I have no been dealing with it. In the past something would either force me out (a school project) or I'd watch or read something that would inspire me, either because it was good or bad.
the only new idea ive had recently that made be really feel like I used to was one night while me and appen were pretty drunk and I think it was something like... there should be a mecha show where they fight gaint monsters and have to pull parts off those monsters and other rival gang's mechs to repair their own. I think it was something like that. I don't fully remember because my memory is trash.
In some ways I think if I could read or watch something that would inspire passion It could help me over come this. But my attention for watching or reading things is lower than it's ever ever been. And it's also started to make me feel disgusted with myself. "if you had your shit together and stopped wasting time you could have made something like this by now." But ever time I think of all the tings I should or could do, even in times when I have the motivation or energy to do SOMETHING it's just hard to organize, proritize and think. That's really my problem. I used to be able to think, even if I couldn't act, even if I might forget later, I could still focus enough to think for a bit. But now I can't even do that.
I think, at least it seems that this might be the kind of thing that everyone goes through when becoming an adult. But I guess, thats what worries me. If it's a permanant state. I can't stand that. There are things outside of story creation that I enjoy in life. I supose if I absolutly had to, I'll always find meaning somewhere else. But the thought of having to do that fills me fully with dispair.

Sorry to be so depressing. I've kind of wanted to talk about it somehow, but I don't want to worry anyone around me, and also I was worried talking directly about it would set it in stone some how. The whole world has been getting me down lately. I guess I'm a gloomy adult.
Tomorrow is the first of the adhd evaluations, so I guess I'm trying to think about the things that bother me and how much they ruin my fucking life. I don't know. I'm anxious about it. because I might probably cry and I hate crying in front of people especially strangers. Also it's at 7pm so that means I can't do anything for the whole day lol.

Currently eating: Unibroue Don de Dieu (beer)

3.7.23
It's been a bit huh? I've deffinatly been in a lot of a rut. I didn't work at the post office because by the time they got back to me I would have only had two weeks of work, and I had to accept a job a Michaels crafts. It paid like shit and the conditions were miserable. Tomorrow is my last day so I'm free. I just went on a big shopping trip there to take advantage of my discount. I've been selling at farmers markets with one of my friends lately, and I've been thinking of trying to open an etsy. But at the same time I've been suffering from a sort of creative block that I've never quite delt with before. In the past it used to just be that I couldn't always make myself pysicaly sit down to draw, but I would still have lots of ideas for stories and things to draw and characters and what not. Now I just don't have any ideas and it's hard for me to even think about my stories. Theres lots of little things causing it I think, and really it's probably been happening for a while, but I had fixated on dreamsmp for a bit instead. and the thing that drew me the most to that is dead so. I dunno. I just feel like Kiki during that one part in Kiki's delivery service. I need to go stay in a cabin in the woods for a few weeks I think. I also want it to be warm so I can go for walks. and I need new music to listen to. I'm not listening to enough music these days. I have started seeing a doctor at last, a new one who does seem to actually listen to me. and I've been able to schedule an adhd evaluation, so we'll see what the results of that turn out to be.

The other shit thing that happened was that I got in a car wreck and haven't had my car for like 3 months. I was making a left turn so I am technically slightly more at fault but we're also pretty sure the other guy was actually speeding. Both of us were pysically fine which is all that really matters. It just sucks that it had to happen when the used car market is on fire. my car normally wouldn't have been worth repairing, but it is so hard to find decently priced cars right now that it was still going to be cheeper and take less time. Even though its taken a long time and been very expensive. Smad tho. I want my car back. The other guys car was fine :/

I did just start working at another new place though. Its a crystal/spirituality shop. I'm not the most spiritual of people, at least these days. Well I have my own set of thoughts and beliefes that I don't really ever feel like explaining. But I fucking love rocks. Its an alright place to work. It reminds me of the tea place in many good ways and some bad ways. There is a lot of history amongst the staff. Well, I like touchin rocks all day, and when I feel stressed there is lots of rocks for me to go look at.

I've managed to continue doing japanese duolingo every day for like 120 something days. which is probably the longest streak of doing something every day that I've ever acomplished. I'm starting to really feel the need to branch out into other learning materials but its really nice to do it every day. I can mostly read katakana and hiragana now, and i feel very proud of myself when I manage to sound out a new word. I'm very slow and unskilled, but it's exciting to be developing a new skill.

Currently eating: Nothing

11.5.22
The other day I learned that my property management company had merged with another company, (I need to clarify that I did recive an email from the new company, but recived nothing from the old company confirming this fact, and just recived the normal statment that they send me every month, so I litterally assumed the new company was some kind of scam???) which is why I hadn't been able to pay through the online portal. Given that it was already pretty late into the month I felt like I had to get them a check that day, but I don't have any checks. After fucking around and having to ask my mom to send me a picture of an old check with my account numbers and shit, I was at last able to order checks. But the checks aren't going to get here until at least the 16th. (And also they cost 25! Dollars!!!) Which is waay too late. So I had to go to my moms and ask her to write a check and put money into her account from mine. After that I went and hung out with a friend and worked on NaNo. I really didn't want to go to the office while they were there cause I feel like i'd be too mad at them to seem like a reasonable person. So it was dark when drove three towns over to deliver the check. And I had drank a bunch of tea at my friends house and by the time I got there I really really needed to pee. I went the wrong way like three times and had to drive through some proffesor ass suburb, and when I finaly get to the stupid office, there's a thing on the mailbox that says "no money no rent". So i had to just leave. I was tempted to put it in anyways, but I didn't want to loose this check cause it's one of my mom's checks. So I just left. I needed to pee so bad though and I wanted to stop at trader joes on the way home to not make the trip a total failure, but i wasn't sure if trader joes would have a bathroom. so I stopped at a big y, and then decided, fuck, i might as well mail the stupid rent money while i'm in the same town, maybe it'll get there faster. so i went to the kiosk and was like whats the smalleds ammount of stamps you can sell me. the sell a book for 12.99 and also the individual stamps for 60c each. i didn't want to spend 12.99 cause i already have stamps at home, probably, so i opt to buy three stamps, which you can only pay for with cash. the only cash i had on me was a 2 dollar bill i found while going through my childhood crap at my moms. i think when i was a child i was kinda fascinated by 2 dollar bills and that was probably the first one i had seen. i had kept it because i thought it was interesting, but i took it intending to spend it. legal tender is legal tender and i can't really hold onto a 2 dollar sentiment. or it's not really worth holding on to. but i guess i have to thank 8 year old me for watching my back so long in the past and giving me the money to get those stamps to mail that stupid 1000 dollar check to be sent to the other end of that same town. because other wise i would have brought the check home and had to go back out the next day but i probably would have forgoten for like 6 days.

anyways.

this webbedsite has passed 10k veiws, so thanks for that! It's always cool to see that people actually click on this site. I really want to make the home page less stupid, or more stupid? i don't know.

I might be getting a seasonal job at the post office and I might die so we'll see how that goes. I'm trying to really put effort into learning katakana and hirigana so that I can try to actually learn japanese.

Currently eating: Mate ginger tea

10.23.22
Yesterday me and appen went to MICE, which is an independant comincs expo. Its been a while since I got to do anything like that, and see so many people all at once. MICE is easily my favorite event to go to, its free to get into and there is always so! much! cool! stuff! Indie comics are easily one of my favorite things to collect, so it really is paradise. I've applied to table almost every year but never got in, probably cause I don't have enough stuff, but maybe this next year... will be the year...
I also ran into a friend I haven't seen in a long time, and it was really nice to recconect. I need to try harder to stay incontact with people. and hopefully I can drive to the city more often. This was my first time driving there without someone else who can drive, and my first time driving so much in one day, since we drove there and back in the same day (hotels are crazy expensive on the weekends -_-) The driving was a little stressful, but really not so bad. I only got honked at once. I chose to park us at the end of a train line and take the train around, since I really do not want to drive in the city. And finding parking for everywhere you want to go is just horrible. The main problem was... I was a fool and just kinda assumed MICE would be in the same place as always, and uhhh... it wasn't. It was on a compleatly different train line, so we had to do a lot more train fuckening than I wanted. Well, I like the new building its in, it was still crazy crowded, but things felt a lot more organized. And its deffinatly better than the old building, even if the old building has better food options near by. This one was near a taco bell that served alchohol! Crazy! We didn't get alchohol, and ended up waiting 35 minuted for two cheesy roll ups and some fries though, so I think they were having some trouble. We had planned to go to Gyu-Kaku (a yakiniku resturant) but they were compleatly booked. Well I know to make a reservation next time. We ened up just getting dinner at h-mart, which is probably for the good of my wallet anyways. We got a lot of snacks and things in addition to all the comics. Well, i'll just say I need to find a new job soon.


Theres a photo of everything we got. Certain things I may post about on media diary if I have interesting thoughts.

Currently eating: Peach Jelly candy

10.15.22
My job as a farm hand is endin this coming week, so I'm in the midst of looking for a new job. I just want something that pays enouh for me to live and wont litterally kill me. I'm even applying to big box corperate stores just so I can have something. But god I hate the whole process, writing cover letters makes me feel like i'm being eaten alive limb from limb. Why can't you just look at my work history and interveiw me, why do I have to write some unnatural soundin bullshit that makes me sound like a fucking jackass. I just sound like a robot, which I pretty much am, but fuck! Shit! I hate cover letters!!!
well whatever. I'm been enjoying the fall weather and vegtables. I'm not happy that it's getting colder and darker, but there are good things about this season at least. I'm going to make pulled prok tonight and then I might go on a picnic to the mountains with Appen if the weather is nice tomorrow.
I did an attempt at 24hr comics day, but I miss going to places to do it... Next year I should try to get it together to host one. I kinda hope I can get a job where there are people who like to draw comics and watch anime... I don't know. I miss school.
I don't mean to sound so depressive, I guess I am just kinda stressd about all sorts of things, and it feels very hard to actually do anything. well, we'll see what happens.

Currently eating: Nothing, had chicken nuggets earlier.

7.10.22
It's been a bit huh? New job is kicking my but a lot. I've just been really busy. And tired so when I'm not busy its hard to do things, and I can't use "you barely do anything" as a bargening chip with myself. Well, i'm getting my electricity paid off, and not stressing about rent too much so it's nice. getting to work outside is making me wish I had a yard more and more though. I guess i feel like I'm finally settling in there, though honestly, I can't believe im saying this, but I do actually miss my old job. Its making me seriously consider trying to become a bartender, but it might be too competitive.... augh I don't know. I'll figure it out when I figure it out I guess.
Also recently one of my favorite youtubers passed away and It's hit me much harder than I thought something like that could. I guess because he was also a writer, and when writers and artists die it makes me extra sad. He was younger than me too, it just doesn't feel real.
In almost the same week my nephew was born. Newborn babies are kinda ugly, but I love him. Well he's on the other side of the ocean, so I don't know when I'll get to meet him, but I am so happy to welcome him to the world. He's not my kid, so maybe its presumptuous, but i'm not planning to have any kids, so I feel like I can give all of my "kid raising energy" their way. Well, I cant wait to give him lots of presents and take him on fun adventures and paint pictures for him and just... I want to make the world better for him. In whatever way I can, because I love my brother and his wife and they love him so much... Ahhh, i commend them for having a child in this time. The future is scary. I wish it wasn't. I wish the world was nice.

also, I'm doing artfight, if thats the sort of thing anyone who reads this cares about.... I need to upload my drawings to this site too but ahhh, i'll get around to it soon. My username on there is eidoleon, come and attack me...! If you dare! AHAHAHAHAhhaha

Currently eating: Sapporo beer

4.30.22
Well, I've ended up with a job at last. I now work as a farm hand at an orchard that I've been going to since I was a child. I will end up also working at the farm stand when it opens, but for now I am just a farm hand. Its a seasonal position only, which is sort of a relife. Even though the job has been enjoyable so far I just keep being struck with existential dread. I think this dread would happen even if I had the most ideal job in the world. Just the idea of going day after day for years and years. Ugh... Can we get 4 day work week and UBI soon plz???
to be less depressing, the job is nice. It's deffinatly hard, and physically exhausting, but it's different and interesting every day. And i'm learning new things, and hopefully getting more physically fit... Ahh, it's just a lot to mentally and physically adjust to going to work when I've barely been going to work for two years.

Currently eating: melon ice cream pop

4.16.22
I recently got back from a trip to sweden, just a few days ago. I spent about nine days there, and went to visit my brother and his wife. I went with my mom as well. It was my first time in Europe, thus I was able to enter the oldest building I've ever been in. A very old church in Lund. We actually went in more than one church, but even as an atheist, and someone who's barely been in any churches, I found just sitting in them to be quite relaxing. It was just so quite and peacful and the gentle smell of candels filled the air. Both churches had candel sphears, I dont know if theres a real word for these, but they were metal globes with places for candels. They were both for the people of ukrain. I would have gotten a candel, but they only accepted cash and I didn't actually touch a single pysical sek for my entire trip, almost everything is cashless, and the fees for using a card machine were less than if we had gotten actual currency. Anyways, there seemed to be a lot in support of ukrain, messages on the bus informing refugees of their rights and such. I hope that the people who end up there are truely welcomed.
We also went to a lot of art museams, including one in denmark that I think is very famous? Called Louisianna. They had an exhibit of drawings by an architect called Peter Cook, and truely he may be one of my new favorite artists. There was also a Yayoi Kusama instilation that I might write a media dairy post about since I feel like it deserves it. I'm also debating about if I should try to write about all the comics I read while there. We went to a library on the first day, and got a number of comics. I got and tried to read some that were in swedish, which was suprisingly dooable. Comics are something of a universal lanuage after all. But they also had a lot of comics in english.
Before we went my brother said "oh don't worry, everyone speaks english!" This was not true! And either way I always felt a little rude just talking to people in english like I was expecting them to be able to understand me perfectly.
Speaking of my brother, he was kind of annoying much of trip. He's going through a very stressful time, and i am grateful he gave us his home and time. But he cant be quite a judgemental and particular person, but also kind of a hypocrite about his expectations and particularities.... Ughg to put it simply we sort of just have conflicting personalities about a lot of things. I can get over it when he's rude to me, even if I stubornly want to drag it out sometimes... But he could also be quite rude and impatient with my mom, which really bothered me, he'd get mad at her for not hearing stuff when she can't help it, and "jumping to conclusions" when thats her way of trying to communicate effectivly when she cant hear or mishears shit. ugh i should shut up incase he reads this someday. I did tell most of this to his face though, so I don't know. With various things that are happening on the horizon, it's just something I worry about a bit. But we did catch him at a bad time. And I do hold a really great deal of respect for him, he's incredibly smart and hardworking, much much more than me. He's capable of being understanding and compassionate as well, I think he just has to be in the right mood. I know he has amazing things in his future.
Anyways, on this trip I also ate a lot of good food. Sweden is pretty different for food, but pork belly seems to be a good trend there as well ha! The dominant fruit flavors seem to be strawberry and pear, which I like quite a lot. We also had something called Nyppon Soppa, which is a rosehip fruit... soup? Fruit soup is one of those things that I think is just accepted over there, but to americans it's weird. But I was really tasty, and I'm finding myself craving it and wishing I had gotten rosehip flour to take home to make it... Also everyone these seems to be addicted to candy and chewing tabbaco. Every grocery store has a full candy section with bulk bins of gummies and licorice. and there were candy stores all over, which also sold chewing tabbaco. Also the coke was indeed different. Less sweet and a little more spicy as a result. I liked it, and can see why people coming to america from europe think our soda is so so sweet.
Oh! One of my favorite thing about being there was the birds! My brother kind of made fun of me for being so enchanded, but he doesn't understand. Every bird is a delight. And there were magpies, which I've always dreamed of seeing in person, jackdaws which just look really cool, barnacle geese are really pretty and grow on trees, there were big huge ravens, and the abosolute best, a different varaity of pigeon which is SO FAT. They are about 1.5 times as big as a normal pigeon, but the same colors, and just SO ROUND. I loved them and never got tired of seeing them. I tooks a lot of pictures of birds...
One more fun thing... When we got there, I noticed the siren for police and ambulances is different but very very familiar... Between that, the appearance of black and white magpies, and the look of all the buildings, a distant fact resurfaced in my brain. Kiki's Delivery service is set in a place based on swedish cities! And many members of Ghibili traveled to sweden to do research, though not the city we were staying in. We ended up watching the movie, a nice trip down memory lane for me, since I was obsessed with that movie as a chile, and it's one that I'm able to get new insight out of as I grow older...

well, all in all, its very nice to be home. I missed my own bed and Appen quite a lot. I'm continuing to cycle through applications and interveiws without much luck or anything feeling particularly ideal. But it's down to a point where "nice to work" has to stop being a factor of consideration. uhghlk. i'll just keep at it.

Currently eating: lazy curry rice

3.27.22
Yesterday me and Appen went to a local "doodleathon", well we tried to. There was going to be a big paper to draw on for the whole community, but it had rained and the paper was all wet. It was still fun, I tried to draw on the wet paper anyways, and I doodled a tiny bird with some sidewalk chalk. I like the idea of sidewalk chalk a lot, and I like drawing on the ground, but I hate touching chalk so much ahahaaa, it just feels disgusting... We also went to the comic store, and ended up getting quite a few things. I've only read one so far, but I have the media diaray page now so i'll probably be writing about them there unless there is really 0 thoughts. but that's unlikely. After that we went to the japanese/korean resturant. We shared sushi, ramen and gyoza. The gyoza were pretty good, 6.5 Nikaidos out of 10, the crispyness of the outside was amazing. Those chengdu dumplings i would give a 9 out of 10 Nikaidos by the way. Trader joes frozen gyoza are a 5 and those are very good. the Nikaido scale of dumpling/gyoza goodness is very strict.
Today we went to a rock and mineral show. It was lots of fun!! So many amazing rocks!!! I'll put some pictures. It was a little odd being around so many people... many werent wearing masks, but i guess people are just giving up on that huh? i'll keep wearing mine for a while, especially in situations like that. The show was in a banquate hall that looks like a castle on the outside, I thought it was cool to have a castle be full of precious gems and such.


Mostly everything we got. I think for both of us the highlight is that pice with the shells. It looks incredible being held up to the light, aparently the guy cut it "too thin" so it was cheep, but the thin part is where the light shines through the best and looks amazing. It does have a big crack so it does feel a bit fragile though. I'm also very fond of the really interestingly formed hematite, the one on the left that's got all the ridges. The picture card in the back is also representative of a whole pack that we got. The guy had some really wonderful illustrations, they were mostly watercolor too which really makes me want to try painting some crystals... His name is Frederick C. Wilda and this is his website, though it's too bad the pictures on there are so small. the paintings had really great detail.


This is another one of my favorites. It remindes me a bit of the way cucumbers/squash/melons look when you slice them. It's one thats very pleasing to touch as well. This one came from the same guy that sold us the one with the shells. I'm not actually sure what it is. Some kind of agate probably.


It's hard to see in the picture but this is a really shiny ammonite fossil. It was the shinest one there! I checked! It's so shiney it almost looks like a cd. If ammonite shells were cds I wonder what kind of sounds would be on there, something really strange I'm sure. Dang, you could make a whole magic system out of that... like natural "crystalized" information is what causes people to be able to do spell or some shit. But if you do it too much it turns you into a snail.
Anyways, there was just a turkey vulture swooping around outside. It was really cool.Beautiful and majestic creatures they are.

Still searching for a job, i've been interveiwing at one of those companies that something like a dream job. But I think I might be too weak and shrimpy to work there. I'm pretty sure I can lift 50 pounds, but sometimes things there are 70 pounds, so I'm really not sure, if anyone who is taller and stronger than me applies they probably won't hire me. I got to go and see that factory though, which was pretty amazing. they make everything with a lot of care and in a more old school artisinal style, and it felt like a very pleasent environement as a result. Well, at this rate I probably wont have a job before I go to Sweeden, it's pretty soon, so I think I might just have to deal with it when I get back... Hmm... I might not be able to get phone calls while i'm there so I don't know if I should even both applying to anything else??
I need to order some gloves that fit so I can stream water color painting ahahaaa... I want to do it but my hands are such an issue.

Currently eating: root beer

3.13.22
Well. Its over and done. I wont ever work there again, no one will. The final night was pretty emotional, but seeing all the people who came for one last tea was nice. gratifying I guess. I got to see the person who always specifically requested that I made their drinks and make them one final assam raspberry extra sweet. The two rich lesbians who buy hundereds in retail came in, and I gave them the last of our Long Jing for free. we gave a lot of stuff away for free. and I took some souviners. One of the final orders was for my tea name tea, and the tea name of a dear friend who had started around the same time as me. Making that order, I cried, thinking of them, I haven't spoken to them in a while because of the curse of social anxitiy. Every time i think I could message them, I just get convinced that they probably hate me for not contacting them. But I miss them.
I met a lot of incredible people working there, and it really generated a whole social circle/network. I hope we can all stay in touch now that there isn't this anchor. I'm working on a painting that I'm going to split up and give to everyone who worked through the final days. I had wanted to finish it for today but I wouldn't have been satisfied with how it looked. I think it's coming out pretty nice though. I'll just have to mail it.

In other news I got turned down for both the hiking people and the wine a cheese. At least I didn't have to make a choice. I have more interveiws coming up, and between tax returns and severance pay im not in as bad a position as I could be but it's still stressful. And at this rate I probably wont start working until I come back from my trip. Ahhhh... I wish I could have had all this spare time and my car during the summer. I really want to go on camping trips and road trips, but i'll hopefully be working full time so it'll be difficult.
I think it used to be a lot easier for me to be optimistic. I guess I still am, but I think ive also got some kinda bad depression symptoms, and the social anxitiy is worse than it's been since high school probably. and I just don't feel quite like myself. Even before this big change I felt that way, and now I am worried it's gonna hit even harder. Well, I just can try to hope it'll be a good and energizing thing. Thats why I was already looking for a new job anyways. That and money...
it just sucks that it had to end this way.


Oh, a few days ago we had the first meeting of a local comic artist group. I guess thats why the social anixity thing is extra on my mind. I almost chickened out of going ahhahahaa.... I'm glad I went though. Thats always how I can convince myself. hopefully we'll have more meetings. Everyone else seems quite shy, it's just in the nature of artists to be that way, which does make me feel better.

Currently eating: La Fin Du Monde beer.

3.4.22
My sleeping is truely still in full chaos mode. Let's see... Yesterday I slept from 8:30 pm to 11:30 pm, then stayed awake until 8 am, then went to sleep until 4:30 pm. And days like that keep happening. Maybe I have too much caffine but I also cant really stop. I'm really trying to get a new job, i'v been trying for a while but I recived news that means I really actually have to find a new job. The resturant I've worked at for 7ish years is closing... the bosses only told us two weeks before it happening. They're giving us severance pay so it's okay I guess. And I was not the only one who was activly seeking a new job. But we are not telling the public ahead of time, which honestly feels like a dick thing to do. They don't want us to have to "preform emotional labor" but some people are really devoted fans, and come from out of state and I'll feel really bad for people who are gonna miss out on a last chance to come get their forest dragons and such. Honestly, even though I was planning on leaving, I'm still pretty down about it. And I feel bad that things are ending in the way they are. I've put a lot into that resturant, and I've made a lot of friends. And im just gonna miss a lot of the actions I do there. I don't know, I just wish things could have ended with more triumph. And it's hard to avoid feeling a bit guilty, especially recently, I can be grumpy, sometimes customers make me grumpy. Sometimes I'm not very friendly. Maybe If I had been friendlier the bisuness could have survived. But thats not really a logical thing to think. There are lots of factors that are way beyond my control. Not just covid. Eh, still feels bad tho.
I have been getting interviews, might work at a wine and cheese counter. But I applied for another job that I'd want more... But its that awkward sort of timing where I might have to accept the wine and cheese one, or risk loosing both.. The other one is at a really cool sounding company though...
I logged into gaia online, my avatar is quite cute.

Currently eating: "Peak Bloom" hard cider. Had a root beer float for dinner.

2.19.22
For valentinaverary me and Appen went to a nearby town to go to a resturant we don't usually go to. It's not quite going into the city, but it was something. The town was is a really cute one, with some really beautiful and cute buildings. We had sushi and Bao, the resturant has good ramen suposedly, but I was more in the mood for sushi.


On thursday I went to a different asian market in west hartford with my mom and aunt. It was really nice to go somewhere else. I hadn't been out of state in at least a year I think. I'm not actually sure when the last time I even left my area was. I got a lot of really cool stuff, there were a lot of vegtables i had never seen for sale, they even had mountain yam! but it was super expensive so I didn't get it... some other time hopefully... My mom was having a lot of fun as a botanist. I got some interesting tea, a taiwanese oolong, it tastes similar to tie guan yin, but more floral. I also got a little tiny clay hot pot. there were a lot of cool dishes and things that I'd like to get if I go back with more money.
After the market we had lunch at a schezuan resturant. It was really really tasty!!! I had some dumplings that were probably in the top 5 dumplings i've ever had. They were chengdu style, sweet and spicy from the chilli oil, and the inside was meaty and delicious and the outside had a perfect smooth texture. I'm going to be dreaming about them for a while.

Currently eating: soy milk

1.22.22
Well, I finnally got a liscense now that i've done so all of the jobs that want help seem to really suck. Right now my job that I've had for so long really feels like its falling apart. The bosses got a divorce and seem to not communicate with each other any more, and also don't communicate with us and also don't want to do all of their duties but also don't want to train any of us to do them! It's very disheartening!!! I want to work somewhere else! But I don't want to wake up early I don't want a 10 hour shift and i don't want to have to talk to people!!! And if the job only pays 15 dollars an hour I don't want to drive super far!!! For fucks sake! theres supposed to be a labor shortage why don't they pay people more hmmm??? Goddamit. Can capitalisim just fall already.
Well. At least I can drive places. It's been really fun, and I honestly really like driving. It feels good. Though something funny happened. Me, Appen, and my friend went to go see the movie Belle (I liked it, have thoughts though) and after we left the theater I tried to adjust the rear veiw mirrior, I usually bump it with my head when I get in the car because of how the door is, and the mirror just... fell off in my hand! We all laughed about it a lot, but it was pretty scary driving back without a mirror. It might have made me a better driver in some ways? one of my weaknesses is I care too much about pleasing the people behind me and I get freaked out. Anyways, my dad is hopefully gonna fix it. I'd like to drive to the city sometime soon. maybe for our valentineversary but i haven't really driven in the highway much, and not alone ever, so i don't know if it will happen.

Currently eating: wine

8.13.21
what is it that you are dreaming of?
i keep having such thoughts... It remindes me for the intro of kingdom hearts and ff10 ahaha
well, I've been sick in adition to other status contitions that have rendered me... welll, barely functional is generous in someways but patronising in others. I don't know I need a therapist probably ahaha... but it makes me feel guiltuy because there are probably other out there who need help more than me and arent able to get it at all. That thouht makes me feel all around terrible. I want to do somethin for all of those people... If i didnt have to worry about capitalisim or my stories I think that is what I would devot my life to. Does that mean i'm the sort of person who doesnt care at all about themselves (in a bad way),
yea probably. There is nothing much actually too me I think. I don't know, im trying to find ways of understanding myself outside of my projecects and my relationships to others. I guess its difficult for someone like me though. I don't really think im allowed to be selfish like that... Well. I'm working on it. but it's hard... well i guess its more acurate to say its easier to live while invested in something that isn't "yourself"... though that not the case for everyone I'm sure. It's the kind of thought that really makes me think... about my past and such

Currently eating: pasta elbows with egg and cheese. and beer.

7.31.21
Birthday was the past week. Better than last year which I think was better than the previous year i think. I have a bit of a problem. between cat trauma and covid trauma I have a lot of touble placing events and such over the last 2 years. I also think I really relied on school for time keeping a lot... Well, I guess it doesn't matter much.
I'll upload my artfight attacks soon, which was the only thing I really had time for this month, well that and worldbuilding for a thing that I think people on neo cities would like quite a bit.. ill post about that once ive got all the basics down though. I'd like to write it out more though first...
I am trying very hard to get a different job, but its hard not being able to drive... my mom is just buying me driving lessons for my birthday. Like many things it would have been easier if I had just done that from the start. oh well. I want a job where I don't have to talk to people or I could sit down. Though I'd prefer the no people to sitting down... just let me do my thing...
still Obsessed wih minecraft. it's just more satisfying than anything else... i also think the dsmp is pretty cool, and hermit craft too. Its nice to have something else to think about. i have lots of feelings that are hard to articulate but I think I need to articulate them.

Currently eating: Chicken salade naan

3.19.21

Went into downtown with Appen... We went to the art supply store, got some gauche and fancy crayons and a new pencil sharpener. Ended up being really expensive because of the gauche. We also got ice cream, well I got sherbert, it was too cold for me to finish though, i should have gotten kiddie size, but decided last minute to get "small". Small is not very small with these ice cream people. We also got some food, delicious ruben egg rolls and other stuff... I like this trend of experimental eggrolls and I hope it continues.

Currently eating: nothing.

3.4.21

Yesterday Appen and I organized a bunch of our manga, I was tired and didn't really want to at first, but I'm glad we did because it was satisfying. I know there are books I have but I'm missing, but it's hard to remember between those and books we just don't have... We also ordered a bunch of manga from various sites, I'm very excited for it to come, especially the rest of King of Bandits Jing. I got the first volume, so I can actually read it. I love the art style so much, I think it could be a good one for me to study, because it works despite/because it's kinda wonky looking. Today I think I would also like to organize the rest of my manga and also my indie comics. I really miss buying indie comics. I hope MICE can happen this year...
Dust allergys have been acting up a lot again, it's annoying at work because I want to itch my nose all the time, but I don't want to touch my face in public. I should start taking medicine now before the spring time pollen hits... I can't wait untill it's actually warm out also, i miss going for walks and I also want to go camping real bad. i just want to cook stew in the woods

Currently eating: Bang energy, tastes terrible.

2.23.21

I think i need to try making a schedual for myself... just to see if that works.. I have a lot of things I want to work on, but I forget about them unless im in a state where I cant work on them. I'd really like to learn japanese, i'd like to play ff7 in japanese so I can fully understand it... And I've been having day dreams of getting tea related work in japan... If I could become fluent it might be do-able.. I wonder how fast I can actually learn though haha...
anyways, the insomnia is really continuing. Night time is when I get energy, I don't really know what to do about it. I tried not drinking caffine and it just makes be feel bad and unproductive all the time, rather than just most of the time... I sort of need it to function at all I think... My body just doesn't support what I want. I'd like a new one please...
something nice did happen at work today... a customer said "yes sir" in a response. she "corrected" herself after, but it still was nice. That is the third time ever, though I don't know if the first time properly counts, since it was on gaia...
well also, I think music does help me keep on track, I like listening to videos, but these days I think they could be just a little too distracting to me. Right now I am listening to the song 'Sports Men' by Haruomi Hosono. It's got a really nice feeling, I kinda want to make an "ending" video for Tidal Lines to it. I think maybe it would be a good idea to make a chill Tidal Lines animatic, something to help me get more into the general aesthetic, and just get me feeling passionate about it again. I should also watch some Code Lyoko ahhahaa
ahh, well now it's just sleep procrastination free write hours, it's not so bad to write like this I think once in a while. Though when ever I read it back I usually get embaressed.
Hmm... I should make an articals section for this site. Maybe having somewhere to put them would inspire me to actually write the articles I want to write. Ahh, it feels so wishy washy to talk about things like "not having inspiration" but I'm really just trying to phrase it in a way that isn't really depressing. I wish I didn't have work tomorrow..... Maybe we will get a spontaneous blizzard... that reminds me too, people are wanting me to cover so many shifts suddenly, I normally only work two days a week so I feel bad saying no, but... All I want is to work two days a week. Its not even the work time itself, I just don't like it cutting into my time. Even though I barely do anything I don't want work to wind up cutting into the time if I do start feeling able to do things... ahhh well what can i do, i suposse i can work a little extra, even though I wish we would just close for the week that we are going to be two people short... I have to think of a good excuse as to why I can't take more than the ammount of shift they want me to take hmmm... tough because nothing is happening.
one of the worst things about work is that I can't stay up super late and get super drunk ahaha, i think some weed fudge would be in order too... I still have the same week fudge I made ages ago, it's in the freezer.
I miss working with A. and K. and T. ahhh... I wonder if there is like a nb club or something I can join on the dl. But a club isn't really the same thing as casual comradeship... hrrm... i need to text A, they sent me something about a cool databending tool and I keep forgetting to look at it. ugghhh... I really gotten worse and worse with the forgetting, it's never been as noticably bad as it's been recently... I really should get a therapist lol, but I keep forgetting to set up an apoinment. I really gotta trying having a too do list/schedual... even if I can't keep it up, having one for a bit is better than nothing.
ahh, I really want to become stronger.

Currently eating: Nothing, had some rum a bit ago, want some more. Got some more.

2.14.21

It's lovey dovey day. I do actually feel rather lovey dovey, I am very happy I have Appen. Even if I've been grouchy and moody lately. It's been impossible to focus on anything at all and I don't really know what to about it. I guesse I'm feeling pandemic depression at last. I miss my friends but I'm incapable of properly reaching out. Work is the only time I talk to people who aren't Appen or my family, which is nice but I hate going to work because I don't want to get sick and kill my family or die myself.

I've gotten kinda addicted to minecraft, it's almost like being outside, and it lets me fufil hoarding insticts. I'm trying to build an underground city.

I'm trying to work on the solar punk oneshot comic, because it needs to exist. But it's hard to figure out what to draw, I keep getting stuck. I'm just going through one of those times where I have no inspiration or energy for anything, it sucks and I hate it.

Currently eating: shitty cocktail and panna cotta

9.14.20

Got the new computer, it's a dream come true, I actually feel like I can do digital art... having to get used to windows is sure something, i'm hitting the alt key instead of the control key constantly.
i've been sick the past week, it felt like it could be covid but it wasn't, still freaky. I hate going to work because I feel like im going to get sick.
I've been reading The Dispossesed by Ursula K. LeGuin. It's really good and giving me all kinds of thoughs which I may compile after finishing it.

Currently eating: water

8.8.20

Been having a lot of feelings. It's been a weird time... I'm buying a big fancy computer with the unemployment money. But i've had to go back to work for two days a week. It's very boring and also very scary. The corona virus cases are not going down, and I think that we should return to lockdown. I'd rather not have to interact with any people. And my boss is always there radiating anxious energy. It would be nice if the government would step in to help small bisunesses. But i don't see it really happening. I feel bad for my bosses but... I aso have to think about my own safty. Under normal circumstances my job is not bad, for a job under capitalisim. But now all of the bad things are being amplified by the corona worries, and all of the annoying but important preventitive measures.
I've been under seige from an invasion of wasps. They keep coming into our apartment. I don't know how to make them stop. It's to the point where two or three are coming in every damn day. I have gotten pretty good at killing them, but I don't like doing it. I would rather they just not come in.

Currently eating: Watermelon with a spoon

6.5.20

Was able to do a good ammount of work on difficult parts of Tidal Lines pages yesterday, someday I will be able to draw desks with no problem. Yesterday I met up with some friends for a 6 ft apart picnic, we painted protest signs. Today I am tired and have a stomach pain. I would really like to go to the protest tomorrow, but I really don't think I can. I don't want to get sick and give it to my family. I want to keep working on my comic forever, but it's really hot and miserable.

Today's tea is: Ceylon Tiger River atempting to wake up enough to draw and do things.

6.1.20

got up relativly early after teqnically al-right sleep. made weed butter for the first time. I followed a recipie. i have a mixed track record with weeidables, but i thought it would be good if I made it myself, from family locally grown product. While it was cooking I got a tiny bit of comic work done.There really isn't so much left to do on this chunk of pages, soon I'll have to draw emile a lot hahahaha. MICE was confirmed to be a digital event this year. it's disapointing, but I understand. I'll just keep working on my comics as always, I guess I don't feel preasured to do another one-shot, but I still might. I made the butter into penuche fudge because I dont' have chocolate and I like it better anyways. THe weed taste kind of dominates. but it's not terrible I guesse.

5.31.20

Had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. Ended up not really sleeping until 7am. Got a little sleep but lots of strange semi-lucid dreams. Not quality sleep. I went driving with my mom after I had woken up. I drove more than I had befor, I'm still not great at it, but I'm getting better. I need to have that ability if I am going to progress in my life.
there is a protest in town tomorrow, I'd like to go but I'm not sure if I should. I am worried about catching the virus and spreading it to my family. But I really want to go.

todays tea is: Katalyst Jasmine Kombucha. One of my favorites. Katalyst kombucha is really good, but I don't know how widespread they are.

5.28.20

didn't do too much today, but I ordered a bunch of fun things from blick to reward myself for starting my healthcare application process and renewing my unemployment app. It has been stressing me out and it wasn't really that annoying, as it is usually. Maybe tomorrow I will make bread...

todays tea is: a little yerba mate and some peppermint. I put some chocolate in it too because heck. i will never have a normative sleep schedual again.

5.22.20

dumplings

5.21.20

very tired today. feeling down and anxious about many things since yesterday. played golden sun for 10 hours yesterday to avoid thinking. it's tempting to do the same again today, but i might feel like drawing. don't want to call unemployment but i have to. Another stimulus check would be justifyed, but i don't think it will happen somehow. Tea shop job is opening but they didn't email me, i think I gave them the impression i don't want to work. I don't really, I'm worried about getting there and back. the bus is a danger zone. though working and making just to go tea and not having to interact with customers sounds pretty chill. I wonder how much bisuness they will actually get.
very worried about money. i also miss my coworkers. yesterday and today I felt very jelous of someone. I am craving validation of a certain type and i've made it impossible to get in this situation. I guess the lack of it making me feel as bad as I do is proof that i do need it and I'm not making it up. probably. it would be nice to have faith in myself.
yeasterday i made dumplisngs from scratch, but I forgot to put garlic and ginger in the filling like a moron. they also needed way more salt. I have to shape the rest for freezing today, so my lazyness of yesterday saved to flavor of my future food. I am horrible at shaping them though.

todays tea is: mix of tiger river and mate, i want caffien to not have a headach and to get rid of my static.

this is the begining. of the log on this page