what is it that you are dreaming of?
i keep having such thoughts... It remindes me for the intro of kingdom hearts and ff10 ahaha
well, I've been sick in adition to other status contitions that have rendered me... welll, barely functional is generous in someways but patronising in others. I don't know I need a therapist probably ahaha... but it makes me feel guiltuy because there are probably other out there who need help more than me and arent able to get it at all. That thouht makes me feel all around terrible. I want to do somethin for all of those people... If i didnt have to worry about capitalisim or my stories I think that is what I would devot my life to. Does that mean i'm the sort of person who doesnt care at all about themselves (in a bad way),
yea probably. There is nothing much actually too me I think. I don't know, im trying to find ways of understanding myself outside of my projecects and my relationships to others. I guess its difficult for someone like me though. I don't really think im allowed to be selfish like that... Well. I'm working on it. but it's hard... well i guess its more acurate to say its easier to live while invested in something that isn't "yourself"... though that not the case for everyone I'm sure. It's the kind of thought that really makes me think... about my past and such
Currently eating: pasta elbows with egg and cheese. and beer.
Birthday was the past week. Better than last year which I think was better than the previous year i think. I have a bit of a problem. between cat trauma and covid trauma I have a lot of touble placing events and such over the last 2 years. I also think I really relied on school for time keeping a lot... Well, I guess it doesn't matter much.
I'll upload my artfight attacks soon, which was the only thing I really had time for this month, well that and worldbuilding for a thing that I think people on neo cities would like quite a bit.. ill post about that once ive got all the basics down though. I'd like to write it out more though first...
I am trying very hard to get a different job, but its hard not being able to drive... my mom is just buying me driving lessons for my birthday. Like many things it would have been easier if I had just done that from the start. oh well. I want a job where I don't have to talk to people or I could sit down. Though I'd prefer the no people to sitting down... just let me do my thing...
still Obsessed wih minecraft. it's just more satisfying than anything else... i also think the dsmp is pretty cool, and hermit craft too. Its nice to have something else to think about. i have lots of feelings that are hard to articulate but I think I need to articulate them.
Currently eating: Chicken salade naan
Went into downtown with Appen... We went to the art supply store, got some gauche and fancy crayons and a new pencil sharpener. Ended up being really expensive because of the gauche. We also got ice cream, well I got sherbert, it was too cold for me to finish though, i should have gotten kiddie size, but decided last minute to get "small". Small is not very small with these ice cream people. We also got some food, delicious ruben egg rolls and other stuff... I like this trend of experimental eggrolls and I hope it continues.
Currently eating: nothing.
Yesterday Appen and I organized a bunch of our manga, I was tired and didn't really want to at first, but I'm glad we did because it was satisfying. I know there are books I have but I'm missing, but it's hard to remember between those and books we just don't have... We also ordered a bunch of manga from various sites, I'm very excited for it to come, especially the rest of King of Bandits Jing. I got the first volume, so I can actually read it. I love the art style so much, I think it could be a good one for me to study, because it works despite/because it's kinda wonky looking. Today I think I would also like to organize the rest of my manga and also my indie comics. I really miss buying indie comics. I hope MICE can happen this year...
Dust allergys have been acting up a lot again, it's annoying at work because I want to itch my nose all the time, but I don't want to touch my face in public. I should start taking medicine now before the spring time pollen hits... I can't wait untill it's actually warm out also, i miss going for walks and I also want to go camping real bad. i just want to cook stew in the woods
Currently eating: Bang energy, tastes terrible.
I think i need to try making a schedual for myself... just to see if that works.. I have a lot of things I want to work on, but I forget about them unless im in a state where I cant work on them. I'd really like to learn japanese, i'd like to play ff7 in japanese so I can fully understand it... And I've been having day dreams of getting tea related work in japan... If I could become fluent it might be do-able.. I wonder how fast I can actually learn though haha...
anyways, the insomnia is really continuing. Night time is when I get energy, I don't really know what to do about it. I tried not drinking caffine and it just makes be feel bad and unproductive all the time, rather than just most of the time... I sort of need it to function at all I think... My body just doesn't support what I want. I'd like a new one please...
something nice did happen at work today... a customer said "yes sir" in a response. she "corrected" herself after, but it still was nice. That is the third time ever, though I don't know if the first time properly counts, since it was on gaia...
well also, I think music does help me keep on track, I like listening to videos, but these days I think they could be just a little too distracting to me. Right now I am listening to the song 'Sports Men' by Haruomi Hosono. It's got a really nice feeling, I kinda want to make an "ending" video for Tidal Lines to it. I think maybe it would be a good idea to make a chill Tidal Lines animatic, something to help me get more into the general aesthetic, and just get me feeling passionate about it again. I should also watch some Code Lyoko ahhahaa
ahh, well now it's just sleep procrastination free write hours, it's not so bad to write like this I think once in a while. Though when ever I read it back I usually get embaressed.
Hmm... I should make an articals section for this site. Maybe having somewhere to put them would inspire me to actually write the articles I want to write. Ahh, it feels so wishy washy to talk about things like "not having inspiration" but I'm really just trying to phrase it in a way that isn't really depressing. I wish I didn't have work tomorrow..... Maybe we will get a spontaneous blizzard... that reminds me too, people are wanting me to cover so many shifts suddenly, I normally only work two days a week so I feel bad saying no, but... All I want is to work two days a week. Its not even the work time itself, I just don't like it cutting into my time. Even though I barely do anything I don't want work to wind up cutting into the time if I do start feeling able to do things... ahhh well what can i do, i suposse i can work a little extra, even though I wish we would just close for the week that we are going to be two people short... I have to think of a good excuse as to why I can't take more than the ammount of shift they want me to take hmmm... tough because nothing is happening.
one of the worst things about work is that I can't stay up super late and get super drunk ahaha, i think some weed fudge would be in order too... I still have the same week fudge I made ages ago, it's in the freezer.
I miss working with A. and K. and T. ahhh... I wonder if there is like a nb club or something I can join on the dl. But a club isn't really the same thing as casual comradeship... hrrm... i need to text A, they sent me something about a cool databending tool and I keep forgetting to look at it. ugghhh... I really gotten worse and worse with the forgetting, it's never been as noticably bad as it's been recently... I really should get a therapist lol, but I keep forgetting to set up an apoinment. I really gotta trying having a too do list/schedual... even if I can't keep it up, having one for a bit is better than nothing.
ahh, I really want to become stronger.
Currently eating: Nothing, had some rum a bit ago, want some more. Got some more.
It's lovey dovey day. I do actually feel rather lovey dovey, I am very happy I have Appen. Even if I've been grouchy and moody lately. It's been impossible to focus on anything at all and I don't really know what to about it. I guesse I'm feeling pandemic depression at last. I miss my friends but I'm incapable of properly reaching out. Work is the only time I talk to people who aren't Appen or my family, which is nice but I hate going to work because I don't want to get sick and kill my family or die myself.
I've gotten kinda addicted to minecraft, it's almost like being outside, and it lets me fufil hoarding insticts. I'm trying to build an underground city.
I'm trying to work on the solar punk oneshot comic, because it needs to exist. But it's hard to figure out what to draw, I keep getting stuck. I'm just going through one of those times where I have no inspiration or energy for anything, it sucks and I hate it.
Currently eating: shitty cocktail and panna cotta
Got the new computer, it's a dream come true, I actually feel like I can do digital art... having to get used to windows is sure something, i'm hitting the alt key instead of the control key constantly.
i've been sick the past week, it felt like it could be covid but it wasn't, still freaky. I hate going to work because I feel like im going to get sick.
I've been reading The Dispossesed by Ursula K. LeGuin. It's really good and giving me all kinds of thoughs which I may compile after finishing it.
Currently eating: water
Been having a lot of feelings. It's been a weird time... I'm buying a big fancy computer with the unemployment money. But i've had to go back to work for two days a week. It's very boring and also very scary. The corona virus cases are not going down, and I think that we should return to lockdown. I'd rather not have to interact with any people. And my boss is always there radiating anxious energy. It would be nice if the government would step in to help small bisunesses. But i don't see it really happening. I feel bad for my bosses but... I aso have to think about my own safty. Under normal circumstances my job is not bad, for a job under capitalisim. But now all of the bad things are being amplified by the corona worries, and all of the annoying but important preventitive measures.
I've been under seige from an invasion of wasps. They keep coming into our apartment. I don't know how to make them stop. It's to the point where two or three are coming in every damn day. I have gotten pretty good at killing them, but I don't like doing it. I would rather they just not come in.
Currently eating: Watermelon with a spoon
Was able to do a good ammount of work on difficult parts of Tidal Lines pages yesterday, someday I will be able to draw desks with no problem. Yesterday I met up with some friends for a 6 ft apart picnic, we painted protest signs. Today I am tired and have a stomach pain. I would really like to go to the protest tomorrow, but I really don't think I can. I don't want to get sick and give it to my family. I want to keep working on my comic forever, but it's really hot and miserable.
Today's tea is: Ceylon Tiger River atempting to wake up enough to draw and do things.
got up relativly early after teqnically al-right sleep. made weed butter for the first time. I followed a recipie. i have a mixed track record with weeidables, but i thought it would be good if I made it myself, from family locally grown product. While it was cooking I got a tiny bit of comic work done.There really isn't so much left to do on this chunk of pages, soon I'll have to draw emile a lot hahahaha. MICE was confirmed to be a digital event this year. it's disapointing, but I understand. I'll just keep working on my comics as always, I guess I don't feel preasured to do another one-shot, but I still might. I made the butter into penuche fudge because I dont' have chocolate and I like it better anyways. THe weed taste kind of dominates. but it's not terrible I guesse.
Had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. Ended up not really sleeping until 7am. Got a little sleep but lots of strange semi-lucid dreams. Not quality sleep. I went driving with my mom after I had woken up. I drove more than I had befor, I'm still not great at it, but I'm getting better. I need to have that ability if I am going to progress in my life.
there is a protest in town tomorrow, I'd like to go but I'm not sure if I should. I am worried about catching the virus and spreading it to my family. But I really want to go.
todays tea is: Katalyst Jasmine Kombucha. One of my favorites. Katalyst kombucha is really good, but I don't know how widespread they are.
didn't do too much today, but I ordered a bunch of fun things from blick to reward myself for starting my healthcare application process and renewing my unemployment app. It has been stressing me out and it wasn't really that annoying, as it is usually. Maybe tomorrow I will make bread...
todays tea is: a little yerba mate and some peppermint. I put some chocolate in it too because heck. i will never have a normative sleep schedual again.
very tired today. feeling down and anxious about many things since yesterday. played golden sun for 10 hours yesterday to avoid thinking. it's tempting to do the same again today, but i might feel like drawing. don't want to call unemployment but i have to. Another stimulus check would be justifyed, but i don't think it will happen somehow. Tea shop job is opening but they didn't email me, i think I gave them the impression i don't want to work. I don't really, I'm worried about getting there and back. the bus is a danger zone. though working and making just to go tea and not having to interact with customers sounds pretty chill. I wonder how much bisuness they will actually get.
very worried about money. i also miss my coworkers. yesterday and today I felt very jelous of someone. I am craving validation of a certain type and i've made it impossible to get in this situation. I guess the lack of it making me feel as bad as I do is proof that i do need it and I'm not making it up. probably. it would be nice to have faith in myself.
yeasterday i made dumplisngs from scratch, but I forgot to put garlic and ginger in the filling like a moron. they also needed way more salt. I have to shape the rest for freezing today, so my lazyness of yesterday saved to flavor of my future food. I am horrible at shaping them though.
todays tea is: mix of tiger river and mate, i want caffien to not have a headach and to get rid of my static.